Now That I'm Forty...


Born in New York and now going to die in New York. Someday.

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Now That I'm Forty...

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Thursday, March 18, 2004

Alicia Keys Would Destroy Me...
...if she ever got hold of me. Oh. Ohhhhh.... I love her. I love Alicia Keys, today, people, you hear me?
After listening to "You Don't Know My Name" the first few dozen times, I told my assistant at work that I was going to try to find that diner she sang about on " '39th and Lenox", but tonight for the first time I saw the video. The showed the exterior of "Pan Pan", a restaurant I've seen at 135th, I think, across from Harlem Hospital. Grace Edwards included it in her Mali Anderson book too, as her protagonist toured the neighborhood. Ohhhhhhhhh....has God made any other creatures as amazing as Alicia Keys? Other than yourselves, of course. What an amazing child. And *snif* she's so beautiful. And she could be my daughter for the age difference. If I got with a white lady with dark red hair, I could make an Alicia Keys.

Uuuhhh...

Oh, yeah, so I got with my aunt tonight and met up with my 65-year old cousin, her son. One awesome thing, he looked NOTHING like 65. He looked Forty. But then again, his mother doesn't look eighty-plus. Heck, I remember when she got married to her present husband, She was nearly seventy. She looked Forty.


!!!!!


I just realized!! This is as old as I'm going to look! I may get to be Forty and above, but I will always LOOK Forty!! Yay, genes!!!

Then my cousin gave me some bad, bad news. His sister, my younger Cuz's mom, is completely mentally ill. It's far worse than I orignally thought. I can't even congratulate my abilities to diagnose and assess for how sad of a state she's in. Could I have visitied her sooner? Could I have helped get her some help sooner? Yes and yes. I'll have to deal with that. But for right now, I have to try to keep her from getting evicted. And all the while, I thought I was sent here for myself, or my aunt. Or for the Cool Jazz Girl or the Exotic Name Girl. But it looks like I was sent to this neighborhood for my cousin. And yes, I can do this. I've spent the last three years learning how to get people with persistant illness like my Cuz's mom the kind of help they need.

But this says something about my gene pool. Insanity is definitely in the family. Many things I think about my own mother, the "assessments" I've made about her in retrospect, since her death, I think they are as valid as my assessment of my aunt's daughter. I think my mother truly had a mental illness.

So the times when I felt my own life unravel, and the lengths I've gone to in it--the junket to Missouri so soon after my Mom's death, for instance. And my inability to get in and stay in a relationship. All my inhibitions and my obessessive tendencies. Dang. It's real.

Well, so far, I'm not on any medications. I'm doing fine, even if I let the odd bill linger for a while. And hey, as a therapist, when I tell my clients that "I understand", at least now I know that I really mean it.

Me at 3/18/2004 11:37:00 PM