Would You Accept This Man As A Doctoral Candidate?

Alan White
Applicant's Statement

"I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in the State of New Jersey and am just coming to terms with what that means. The first position I took after my Master's in Counseling was as an intake specialist in a children's psychiatric hospital. Next, for the New Jersey license, I took a position doing case management for an assisted living facilities for persons with persistent mental illnesses. Upon getting the license earlier this year, I accepted the position as a mobile therapist for at-risk adolescents and children in Northern Jersey.
"The one common strength I feel I have possessed throughout these ventures is the ability to join with my clients and lend them ego strength to help them meet their goals. When I came to them, they seemed underdeveloped in their abilities to process their stressors, which would daunt anyone facing the mental illnesses and broken homes that they struggled with, and I quickly became their advocate. I have helped about a dozen adults transition from mental hospitals to independent living, and helped dozens more accept and control their symptoms and live in our community successfully.
"I am an African-American male who has found himself removed from his clients by only an infinitesmal degree in many cases. The home I was raised in was also 'broken'. My mother struggled with a mental illness which, on most days, she bested—but in the end, eventually lost her life to. My own life has been redirected several times by the hand of people who had compassion on me and took the time to help me. I feel as though I have been sculpted by my circumstances to do the same for someone else. To stop the development of my education now seems a waste of hard-won opportunity.
"Currently, I live in Harlem, (within walking distance of the City University in fact), and I feel that I am observing my community through a rare set of eyes. I see the archetypes of my relatives in the faces my neighbors. My drug-addict cousins whom I fear and avoid. My alcohlic uncles who's guidance I missed. My matriarchal aunts, trying to guide their children alone. My absentee father. My struggling mother. Fortunately, I also see the positive role models who encourage me to even write this statement to you. There are young professionals moving back into Harlem. There are families growing in renovated tenements and newly built resdiences. Community leaders are resculpting the raw material of our culture every day and I want to be a part of that.
"The field of psychology is one that is greatly neglected in my community, yet permeates the entire development of it. A few years ago, the work of Dr. Joy DeGruy-Leary, a faculty member of the Portland State University Graduate School of Social Work, shook me to my foundations. I heard her speak on her theory of “Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome,” in which she described many of the ills in African-American society as being attributed to the trauma of slavery. While I am very quick to dismiss the practice of making excuses for behavior, I could not deny some of the truths that she held in her convictions. She used an example of how black mothers raise their sons, and I must paraphrase her in order to represent her ideas;
"Overhearing language used in a supermarket we hear the black mother appear to be emotionally distant and use fear to motivate her child. 'Get over here! What's wrong with you? Stop it before I whoop your ass, right here in front of everybody!' Dr. DeGruy-Leary then used an example to illustrate how black mothers accept compliments on their son—which is, not very well. 'Your Johnny is very talented with his hands.' 'My Johnny? You should've seen what a mess he made last night! He tore my television all to pieces trying to find out how it worked. I could've killed him.'
"The doctor suggested that if you took a time machine back to the days of slavery, you would see the origins of this type of mindset. When the biggest, strongest, most talented sons of the slave mother was singled out, she lost him to the slave market. If a slave mother bragged on her child and called attention to his virtue, she was inviting him to be put up for auction. It became better to put him down and highlight his failures if she truly loved him and wanted to keep him.
"Is this still happening in black society today?
"I live in the middle of it. I am a product of it. It isn't exclusive to blacks, but it isn't far from characterizing our families either. In fact, it would help me understand a lot of the self-esteem issues in the men of my family and of myself. I'm the only one I know in my extended family with a Master's degree. I struggle with the idea of pursuing higher education because of a 'good enough' mentality that I've paid too much attention to in the past.
"I don't believe I have any excuses, but I do think there are psychological reasons for all of human behavior, in every culture. I want to use the time I have left on earth to explore the most important of those reasons in the African-American community. If I get the opportunity to hold a doctorate, I intend to explore the internal factors which further our emotional self-destruction and educate our community against them. Education and compassion, after all, is what has gotten me this far and I feel unfinished in my pursuit of them."

That's what I sent to the City University to be considered for becoming a student for the Ph.D. Is it any good? Will it WOW them and have them screaming for an interview? Usher me in with open arms? Did I make them believe that I can put them on the map?

I hope so. I couldn't afford to apply to all the colleges I wanted so I applied at only one. I can't afford much, fo' sho'.

A few good things, though--I found two places to practice counseling in--one in NJ, and one in NYC (did I mention this? It's been a while since I posted). The one in NJ is a group practice and they give me clients. Two weeks ago, I got assigned a few couples and am working with them now.

It feels like what I'm meant to do. Working with adults who really want to get help. I can't describe it, really. Endorphins are all 'up in here' when the sessions end. I feel hopeful for my clients and they seem to take some of that away with them. I come up with real plans for them to start changing 'what they don't like about themselves'.

I haven't gotten any NYC clients yet, though. I've made up a flyer (suggested by my friend, the soon-to-be-doctor, who wants me making money so I can pay him back someday) to advertise myself, and I've started distributing them in willing places of business in the area. I have to do more of it today. That's nervewracking, really. To go in someone's store and beg for their free space so I can make money. But those who said no were actually nice about it, and those who said yes were REALLY nice. So hopefully I'll attract people with enough cash, because that's all I can work with in NY. Until I get my license. WHICH was delayed a month, may I add, according to the HY offices responsible.

As my friend to soon-to-be-doctor, had postulated, might I add.

Grr.

And by the way? My car was towed last week for non-payment of all those tickets I told you about. After what else I've been through, I don't even care. Good riddance. Keep the stupid thing. (I can get to the NJ group practice by bus--already have). But my friend the Sheriff (I haven't ever told you about him, have I? He's a good egg no doubt) told me there'll be all sorts of legal complications if I don't address it. Something about my driver's license getting yanked and whatnot. He said I should go settle it. My Childhood Friend warned me but I couldn't fret about it if I wanted to. I was running out of money at the time, and I couldn't see myself giving it to the City to pay those overpriced tickets. The punishment does NOT fit the crime, in my humble opinion.

Anyway, while distributing my flyers today, I'm going to visit this car tow pound office and see what they want me to do. I don't know how I can satisfy them, though. I certainly don't have that money now. In fact, I still don't have enough to pay rent (again).

See why I need to get into school? School loans! Plus, I'd apply for student housing. If I had to have a roommate, that'd just be the price I pay for gambling with my future, and losing.

That's how my friend GrimJester put it, and it made me feel ever so much better. At Forty, you'd think I should have this life MUCH more under control, but he said that I gambled and lost, that's all. I'm not a LOSER, per se. This is the first time something like this has ever happened to me. I've never had anything repossessed, for instance. My impounded car is paid off, for another instance.

So I just need to make more money. I need NY to get my dang license in my hand. I need the NJ insurance companies to certify me as a mental health provider STAT. By the end of 2005, all these needs will be answered in the Yea or the Nay. January 2006 won't see me crying these blues. (It'll be different blues, but not THESE ones.)

Concurrently, Valentine's Day Girl and I are still friends. We went out to lunch on Friday. I adore her much when I'm with her, but it's pretty clear that she constantly lies. She's admitted as much once, I caught her in one as well, and at another time she stated that she's hiding a lot of her fears with words. I can dig that. Life is scary as Biblical Hell. But it doesn't help me trust her enough to batter her walls down and get romantic with her. A vulnerable scared woman demands perfection from her man. If she trusts me enough to let me in, then any mistakes I make will be seen as dire betrayal. (So judgmental, Alan!)

But hey, I'm scared too. I have to get vulnerable too, to get into a relationship, and I don't want to be betrayed by lies anymore than she wants to be betrayed by my weakness. So there.

Where have all the sane women gone? I need one to tolerate my crazy butt.

I hope everyone of yous had a Happy and a Merry, by the way!

Me at 1/10/2005 10:41:00 AM

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