Don't Race To The End Of The Chapter...
...Because you don't want to give away the startling secret! Bah. There ain't none. This will end the way all my previous vignettes have. But I gotta blog it and move on.

So I went to a midtown location of my gym to get my workout on. It went well. The Park was not far from, so I walked to it. I took off my Gap sweatshirt and wrapped it over my shoulders preppie-style, and my backpack on over that. I think it made me look quite stylish. I recommend it! I got several admiring glances from men and women alike. Okay, I probably didn't.

There were a tonne of people in the Park today. All in various states of undress. There's a major major lawn in the south end. When I saw it from my friend's office window (as mentioned a few blogs ago), the only color it had was a rich, bright green. Today it was overflowing with peach. The sun worshippers were in fighting formation! Wall-to-wall flesh! And if I may admit it to myself, I knew they'd be out there. All the pretty people. All the toned, (getting) tanned, tight bodies. Low-riding jeans, bare midriffs, tapered flat bellies, wide round hips like upright bass violins. And let me be fair--the men got their share of the scenery too. They knew who they were out there. The confident weekend warriors stripping for their anonymous fans.

It all made me feel more than a bit depressed. Almost to tears. So many people who were with people. At times evoking my jealousy, and at other times, my pity. The lawn is called "Sheep's Meadow", and as indicated, there we all were, flocked.

Last night I had a quick dream. The Church Love was in it (again). I had just finished expressing something meaningful to her, but the dream started just after I had said it. It opened with she and I realizing that she had been right all along. That even though I never came out and said it, I really had loved her all those years ago, for so long. She was aglow in self-worth and gratitude and I was aglow in her.

Then, somehow, for some reason, my last ex-girlfriend was there. She had whispered something to me, and having to do so brought her in close and intimate. My nose brushed her cheek and she withdrew from the whisper. So I suddenly, impulsively, kissed her. Then I kissed her again. And again.
She said, "I thought you didn't miss me."
I said, "I didn't miss you?"
When I looked back, I realized Church Love was staring at us. She seemed slightly happy for me, but mostly disappointed that my affection and attention had so rapidly shifted.
Then I woke up.

Well, I wasn't as filled with dread at this waking like I was the other time. In fact the first thing I said aloud today was, "I thought I didn't like kissing." My cat answered with a "Meow!" So I went about my business, tried to play the beta test of the superhero game I mentioned before. And went out to the gym.

That should give you the background feelings I had while in the Park. I envied and pitied all those hand-holding people who were experiencing the emotions I was only dreaming about. The romantic exploration, the rollercoaster of hurting someone, pleasing someone, enjoying someone, being hurt by someone. The connectedness of it all. And deeper than that, I envied all the children frolicking safely at the hem of their parents' garments. Beautiful Park, beautiful City, and parental love. Must be nice.

So I took my melancholic self to the Number One train at Lincoln Center. Janet's new song was playing in my head.
"Boy when you're up,
"This girl is down.
"And I just can't
"Figure it out.

"Don't you know that I
"Wantcha
"And you know that I
"Need ya
"Is that any way to be?
"Just have your way with
"Me."

I would have walked to the tempo, but no one else was and I didn't want to be thought insane.
On the subway platform, a tidy little blonde was mouthing words to her own iTunes and walked a little bit by me, coming to rest just beyond my peripheral. Her inspiration made me hum Janet's song aloud. I did it justice. In came the train. She went in while others came out.

Taye Diggs was one of the exiters. He had a cap and glasses on, with earpieces plugged into a music player, and he looked like he was having a bad day. Then as I got on the train through his wake, the tidy blonde was staring past me with the expression on her face that mirrored my thoughts. So aloud I said, "Taye Diggs." She looked at me as the doors were closing.

"Was that really him?"
"Sure was", I said.

You see, this I knew without a doubt. Because I used a little picture of ol' Taye as an avatar to represent my handsome self on this message board, for quite some time, (until I started playing the online beta test game. Now I use this. ) Yeah, so you'd figure I'd be all, "OMG OMG!" Except, the tidy blonde was. She was so excited she started talking to me. She said at that very moment she was listening to Taye's wife's CD in her player (it wasn't an iPod, as I had previously thought). I asked what his wife sang, and she said they had both been in "Rent" together, which was were they met (I knew this, vaguely), and that now she was starring as "the green one" in the play "Wicked", which I had just seen an interview for on Manhattan Neighborhood Network. (Just as I had seen a Tonya Pinkins interview, then a month later saw HER).

Well, that actually was exciting, but looking all gushy and girly suited her much better than it did me, so I controlled myself. I controlled everything but my smile. The train was so crowded, and I was standing right over her--fellowstraphangers with no straps to grip. And in my mind I'm thinking, "Taye is married to a white girl, and here is a cute white girl chatting me up about him. What more do I need?"

But you know how this ends.

Two stops later, I get off the train. Subsequently standing up on Broadway, I'm thinking that I just witnessed my own self running away. Literally running. I mean, yes, I had planned on going to Barnes & Noble anyway, but this girl was better than every book on the shelf. She was a real girl. This was a real New York story unfolding. We had Taye Diggs in common (and probably "Breakfast at Tiffany's" too!) which I had yet to tell her. But did I stay on the train, willfully missing my stop in order to speak further to this young lady? Did I accompany her off the train and invite her to grab a quick bite, or a latte mocha grande frapp with skim, doubleshot?

Noooo. Not me. Not this one.

My brain tried to comfort me in the sad minutes that passed. It tried to say that she was probably 15 years or more my junior. "She was probably a smoker. The first meeting is never as magical as the long-term romance. She'd steer you away from church! She'll coerce you into sex without the covenant of marriage! She'll leave you when you don't put out! You're a freak and it'll all end in tragedy!!"

My brain tried to cover up its' cowardice and phobic sickness like an older brother trying to sooth a freshly-spanked little brother who had gotten punished for something he was talked into doing by the older brother in the first place!

I'll be alright, eventually. Spankings go away.

Me at 4/18/2004 04:51:00 PM

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