And....release...

No more Trenton. It was seriously bittersweet. No crying, however. Two of my employees got teary-eyed, though. One of them told me that I provided good leadership by example and it was something that he was going to take with him (!!!). You coulda toppled me with a breeze. (Mind you, I was the youngest one at my site, if only by a few months, so me being their leader was the least of my expectations). My assistant was out of the office on my very last day, so I didn't get to see her at all. But I think that was for the best. Saying goodbye to her would've been the hardest because (heehee) I liked her most. They gave me a seperate little going away gathering at the site with the clients and many of them thanked me for all the work I'd done for them, visiting them in the hospital, getting them their disability benefits, etc. One specifically tender-hearted lad said he'd miss me with a heartbreaking tone, but still we resisted the crying thing! Yay! One client wanted my cell phone number so she could keep in touch--I think Not!

OH! AND I got an Employee of the Month award on the way out the door! (Actually at a going-away lunch that my director and fellow co-workers threw for me on Wednesday--the lunch is customary). I got that award because one of my clients nominated me! That was the first time a client ever nominated an employee! So I felt honorbound to send my co-workers the following goodbye e-mail;

"..it's been real. :-)

"Seriously, I learned more than I thought I would. I came to the field
with really only one desire, and that was to help people. It worked
out real good that way.

"I don't know if I told many people but my mother was a mental health
worker, and in her later years and up to when she passed away, a mental
health consumer. I watched her do things for her patients at the state
hospital in Orangeburg, NY, that other staff didn't do. It won her a
few employee of the month awards. Awesome, then, that I got one
too--and nominated by a client no less. Even though you guys never got to
meet her, I hope you saw some of what she was in me.

"God bless, and keep up the extremely necessary work of helping these
folks out. They really do appreciate it, even if they don't or can't
always say so.

"Love, Alan".


Every word was true (but notice I said that I hope they saw some of what my mother was in me, not all). So in retrospect, what the heck was I so frazzled about? I can tell you. The paperwork. I don't know what it's like in other social service agencies, but it seems that either the State, or the paranoid quotient of that particular agency, was at an all-time high for Covering Butt, and the trickle down fell on case managers. Gotta have a form for this and a form for that. Blah blah blah. The System has a mental illness, as far as I'm concerned. Then put on top of it the management of medications and the management of facilities too?? Nah, it was the organization I worked for. They divided too many responsibilities among too few people. And paid far below compensation for such a load.

Now that I justified my leaving, let me tell you I was positively intoxicated last night with release. It hit me after I had parked my car on my block and went upstairs with a design to go to Barnes and Noble and spend the gift-certificate they gave me at the farewell lunch (also customary). I didn't take my backpack nor a coat, nor anything to read while on the train. The weather was balmy and it was like I was free-falling. It was like,Today I Am A Therapist! That was all I was now, no other duties, no other anything! I finally am what I went through too many years of school to be.

I felt so good last night I was going to find a karaoke bar! If I could have found a listing without having to ask a B&N employee for a source guide, I would've been there. (I felt too embarrased to ask someone, anyone really, where I could find a karaoke bar. It's like walking up to a complete stranger and saying, "Hey! I'm going somewhere tonight to sing my little amateur heart out!") But I would have. I would have sang Alicia Keys new jam until the paint flew off the walls.

Oh yeah, I neglected to mention that I'm a singer. Let me be modest about this, though, because I'm only VERY good in the car. I know that what we hear when we speak or sing is affected by the harmonics in our skull, but I think I'm very good--when there's no pressure or stage to perform on. I ended my Missouri days singing in a large choir and I did one solo performance to a soundtrack. When I sang with the choir, I could fully belt it out, and there were plenty of times that I sung loud and hard. Since I was never called out by the choir director, I assumed I was competent. This was not the kind of director who would tolerate sour notes. One of the choir members even complimented me. But the solo performance? Did you know you have to have a calm diaphragm in order to carry a note? So if you're nervous, with a full colony of butterflies in your stomach, how do you think the note is going to sound? Many of my starting notes in that solo performance were weak and embarassing. And the choir director never pegged me for a solo part in any of the choir pieces after little performance of mine, can I just tell you.

Still, I believe I'm good. Couple that with feeling good, and I was singing aloud in the subway station at 81st, on the C and B line where they've made the tilework in colorful museum exhibit motifs. Sperm whales and octopi, the core of the earth, and insects and mammals. SO sweet. So I have a good range to my voice. I can cover "If I Ain't Got You" to the note. I gots the inflections. I GOTS the vibrato. Ima STAH.

But put me in front of, oh say, you, and I'm a trembly wreck.

Okay, with that in mind, I have (well, had) a co-worker who likes me pretty well. One might say he's my biggest fan. After time, we all learned that he plays in a NJ house band. Well, they've been good enough to play in a competition in a Trenton hotspot and win. So now they're getting gigs all over Jersey. And he wants me to sing a couple of covers in his band. Well, from the moment I learned he's in a band, I wanted to horn in on the action as a singer, but see above. I knew I was prone to jitters, so I kept my mouth shut and just dreamed. Then he asked me. He said I would make a good singer (but yet he hadn't heard me sing, so I guess it's because I have "face"). Then he started asking what songs would I like to do. And almost daily he'd tell me another aspect about what it'd be like singing with them.

Well what would YOU do?

I told him I'd do it. I told him I like The Police and Billy Joel. He gave me a list of stuff to do. I picked "Nights In White Satin" by the Moody Blues and "I Can't Stand Losing You" by the Police. These songs I can actually sing (those who know me may laugh at will). I can actually sing MANY songs. But in front of you, well that may be another story.

Heh, so in the last few weeks around the office, I'd venture out into public performance by singing aloud while filing. Those who overheard me said I was doing it because I was happy that I was leaving. Well, yeah, but also, I was treating my case of nerves. Warming up to perform in front of people. The unsuspecting dupes! bwahahahahahhaaa!! I even fostered other people to sing near me. One time a woman was doing a fair job humming "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" and the secretary thought it was me! That told me something awesome--that when I had sang, she heard a competent rendition! yay!

Enter the karaoke bar. This, I know, needs to be my venue. I need to get up there and bomb out a few times, but get comfortable in front of the crowd so I can audition for my former co-worker and not embarass myself. (Yes, with all the hype he fed me, he still needs me to audition. They ARE a good house band, and no matter how much the guy likes me, I trust he's not going to sink his band because of a man-crush). And last night, I felt so good, I could have done it.

Tonight, I may still try.

I still feel pretty dang good.

I'm a therapist, yo.

Me at 3/27/2004 07:54:00 AM

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