Now That I'm Forty...


Born in New York and now going to die in New York. Someday.

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Now That I'm Forty...

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Thursday, October 28, 2004

"Heyyy--yyyahhh, Hey. Having a Little Trouble..."

This was a line from a song from Sixpence None The Richer, back before they became mainstream. It's a line describing the writer's Christian life. I'm going to use it for my current working experiences.

It isn't that I won't get it soon enough. The drink recipes are becoming familiar and with most things, it will one day go CLICK, and I'll have achieved barista nirvana. Yet, my body's been sore on the reg from the standing up for four hours a day, plus the walking to/from/during the commute. I have been conking out each day at about 5:30pm, waking at 7:30p, then remaining up until 2:00a and starting the next day at around 7:00a. And let me add that my neighbor took her fans and air conditioner out of her windows, so her dog is back on Pissing-Me-Off-and-Waking-Me-Up duty. I wish you knew how close I came this summer to liking dogs. I gained a new appreciation of them as they dutifully trotted at their humans' sides for jogging and assorted frivolities. Happy little companions they.

BUT; 1)This dog thinks it has the right to chastise me in my own apartment and
2)This dog's mistress is a blindingly ignorant and selfish wag who LETS her dog bark at all hours, and at me through the wall.

And now, here's what's up lately--

A) Striver's Gardens denied my application (lottery or not lottery) because I didn't say I'd put enough money down for the purchase+closing costs of the unit. The letter stated that I would need $7,150 cash, and I remember writing that I'd have $6,000. HuhhWHA??? I didn't have $6,000, let alone $7,150, but all I'd have to have done was WRITE a higher figure and they'd have accepted me?!? Dummmmmmmmmb. Besides, I have about sixteen nickles to rub together, so even if I HAD written a higher figure, I couldn't afford it now anyway.

B) I received an official notice from the court of NYC for an eviction. I went down to Centre St today to answer the court summons, and was GIVEN ANOTHER DATE TO APPEAR. What's better than going to one appointment only to be sent away and told to return to another appointment? And still, I'm waiting to hear if the public service is going to pay for my rent arrears. If they do, I may become a democract for life. (And all my Christian Republican friends in Missouri heave a collective cry of revulsion. Who cares? Where will they be if I get evicted?)

C) Valentine's Day Girl left me a five-word message today, and then called tonight, justas I was waking up from that mid-evening, oldman slumber. I was in no mood to talk, and neither, it seemed was she. I think she's mad at me for being so incommunicative. If she wants to be my girlfriend then she should be angry, because I have failed to call her all week. But if she just wants to be friends (as she originally posited) then she shouldn't be angry. Word to the wise--BE HONEST WHEN YOU DEAL WITH PEOPLE AND SAVE YOURSELF HEARTACHE.

Yes, I think I'm being mean not to let her know flat out that I'm not going to be her lover, or boyfriend, or husband. I think I'm getting some kind of passive-aggressive thrill at treating her like an acquaintance when I know she wants more. Why? Because I resent the fact that she misrepresents herself, and is trying to cozy up as a friend when she has every intention on more.

See? There's the ugly side of me. The selfish side.
What I believe is going on is this; I'm creating defenses to protect myself by developing hostility against a girl who only wants to love me. I'm afraid as a standard, of commitment, so I'm starting to resent her "intrusion" into my life--AGAIN. I'm trying to make her pay having affection for me?

Pretty bad. I guess that means I deserve all the hardship I'm going through.

D) The NJ company which might hire me has moved my resume on to the personnel department and I'm waiting for them to call me for an interview. The job will pay well, will be steady work located in one place, and will be at the same time each day, five days a week. It represents a steady income to solve all my financial woes and my bohemian, helter-skelter life. And if I do it correctly in the next year, I should have some savings for the NYC Practice.

That's IF I get the job and IF I've learned anything from the first Forty years of financial irresponsibility.

What are the chances?

Me at 10/28/2004 11:46:00 PM