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Yesterday Valentine's Day girl called me in the Am and invited me to lunch. I accepted and rushed around the apartment to iron clothes. I had a client to meet across the river from her workplace. We circumnavigated via cellphones until we found each other. I had lamb and she had curry chicken and spinach. My dish made me sweat. She mopped my forehead with her napkin.

I apologized as I promised y'all that I would. She told me how important it was that people argued in relationships. She said this one thing that will stick with me for the rest of my life. She said she needed to be able to be angry and argue and feel safe while doing so. She needed to know that I (or anyone else) won't bolt.

I almost cried (I well controlled it, I swear!). But I thought instantly of Doug and Carrie Heffernan, the fictionally perfect couple, and what I've been trying to teach my own self through them. Early this week in reruns, Doug asked Carrie to 'tone it down a notch' when Ray and Debra came over for dinner (Yeah, THAT Ray and Debra! Doug's a spinoff of "Everybody Loves Raymond"! Did you know that?) and Carrie FLIPPED. Oh, she got so hateful and mean. Man I would've hit the ground and rolled around in misery if she had levelled that look at me. But by the end of the show, Carrie was literally climbing the trellis one-handed to bring Doug his dinner for the night (because he was stuck in the ceiling, but that's another story). See, she stilled LOVED him, even though he hurt her feelings so badly, and she was so SO furious at him. See?? See??

So I'm really getting it. I am, I promise I am. It's just sooooo scary. What Valentine's Day girl said, that is the missing ingredient in my life, isn't it? I never thought I was safe in my mother's house. When moms was mad at me, she was "MAD" as in "institutionalization". Her love for me was conditional on my behavior. My. Mother. Was. A. Crazy. Woman.

And I betcha I'm a therapist because I want to help the little Alans inside of everyone. I want to give them the unconditional love that Lil' Alan needed/needs. That's why I'm a Christian, because the message was made for ME. Unconditional love.

UN-CONDITIONAL. NOT Conditional. Love me when I'm fat. When I'm bald. When I lust. When I sin. When I'm scared.

But can I give it? Can I give it when my heart is threatening to tear from my ribcage in terror of my woman's tone of voice and evil expression? When I'm being called a liar and a cheat and an idiot and a moron? When my flowers are thrown back in my face because 'They ain't gonna help you THIS time!' Can I give unconditional love then? Will it even be wanted when she's that mad at me?

What will I do then? Just curl up and die, is what I think. Just disappear from all existence, that's what.

Still, I can't go on NOT trying. I can't live anymore without trying. Saidy's right. I'll never know otherwise.

Still scared.

Still trying.

Me at 9/25/2004 01:55:00 PM

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