...Blog Name Changing Soon, Details At Eleven...

Because soon I will be Forty. No, I mean SOON.

(every cell in Alan's body gives a huge sigh of assorted melancholies)

I should spill everything right here and now. Let it all out and then shut down the site. Just say it all, give it about a month for those who read to read, and then vanish it.

And let the chips fall where they may.

But I'm far too much of a coward to do so. That, or I haven't had enough therapy to face these things openly yet.

Currently, I find I'm too lazy to work the relationship with Valentine's Day Girl. She's got a lot of energy. Two Sundays ago, I drove to the Brooklyn Tab, met her in the lobby via cellphones, and we sat togethe for church. She's very interactive with the speakers. That means she likes to give a rousing "Amen!" It also means she likes to finish the speaker's sentences when applicable. And even when not applicable. I offered to drive her and her kids home after the service. She took me up on it.

I liked her kids. The elder was noticeably intelligent. The younger was--energetic. She has her hands obviously full. I thought she was very good with them. (Am I detatched enough right now? Excising the emotional descriptives successfully?) And since we've been phoning and conversing, she's tried to reassure me over and again that she doesn't want me to run away this time, so she's not asking for more than friendship, and she's content to have me in her life in whatever capacity she can get. (Makes me sound like a national treasure.)

My obsessively analytical mind knows she means differently. She wants me in her life so I can fall in love with her and marry her, and help her raise her kids before it's too late and they reach the age where they are ready to curse her out, do drugs, hang with the rapper-set on the corners, and destroy her hopes forever. And I called her these weeks back thinking, yeah, I could do that.

And maybe I can. right now, it doesn't feel like it.

She wanted to do something for me for my birthday. I refused her. I told her I wanted to brood and sulk and be alone. She said okay. But she hasn't tried calling me as much as she did a while ago. And I haven't tried calling her to compensate. Obviously, I rejected her and she's reacting to it. Her offer wasn't really for me, it was for her. Most gifts given are for the giver, not the given. It makes YOU feel good to shop and buy and give. If the given doesn't want it, let them exchange it, who cares? But I wouldn't even take the gift.

Why wouldn't I take it?

She's a very proactive person, hence her call on Valentine's Day, after two years, and I'm very passive. If she doesn't keep pursuing me, then I will let it drop. Why?

Because I'm really that lazy. (Well, why isn't the promise of sex enough to keep you going, Alan? You know if you marry her you get sex! Aren't you ready for sex? It's SEX!)

My rent is two and a half months overdue. I got an eviction notice yesterday, but it was two days late, so today they want to evict me. I'm going to call the owner and beg for more time. I let my contracting drop down to two clients, and I don't really want to do those two anymore. I'm pursuing employment in the city at Barnes & Nobles and Starbucks, and I got the job at Starbucks. I was so happy that I got the Starbucks job. It's part-time at 8.25 an hour. That's $206.00 a week, before taxes, social security, and unemployment insurance gets taken out. That's not going to pay these bills is it? I applied for NJ unemployment insurance and learned that I'll have to convince someone that I really need the money, and that I had no other choice but to leave my present job. They'll call me at their convenience.

Ten years ago this week, I found myself in Missouri, after having taken myself there, and I watched a church full of another man's family and friends celebrate his Thirtieth birthday. His wife and twin daughters, his mother and father, his pastor, his brother in law (who is my mentor) all lavished him with appreciation and love. I watched from the sidelines, knowing my own 30th birthday was a few hours away, wondering, "Where is all that for me? How'd I get to be 30, here in this place, watching such success in another man's life?"

Wellllllll, imagine my chagrin as tomorrow I turn Forty. I wonder how that chap in Missouri will be celebrating?

If I just said "yes" I could be married with two kids in three months.

Why don't I say yes?

Why haven't I said yes all these years, to all these other women in my life?

What other reason could it be?

You tell me.

Because I think I know.

Me at 10/07/2004 11:45:00 AM

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